


would you still call out my name?

by sanethroughfics



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Loss, M/M, Pain, Post-Time Skip, kuroo misses tsukishima to no ends, mentions of anxiety and alcoholism, spoiler: he's not doing well, this is a little smth about the way kuroo deals with it, this is about kuroo having lost him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanethroughfics/pseuds/sanethroughfics
Summary: Some nights I still wait for you to come home, not sober enough to understand that from now on I will be forever alone.And I go through every number on my phone, searching for your voice.How many people did block me because I wastoo much?
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Kudos: 20





	would you still call out my name?

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired by this
> 
> [10 reasons I could never leave](https://open.spotify.com/track/1sCY2NPqVc22ZQjZYzWG1E?si=l-0Eiw2rRPelavfDJpQBpg)
> 
> and this happened...
> 
> This "story" is one sided and in a form of a letter  
> (if you choose to read it, you'll probably get why there are no formalities)

I am okay. 

At least I thought I am. 

Fuck- I just-

That's what I've always told myself. I am okay. That's what I still do. I am okay. Everytime someone asks me how I do, I say: I am okay, fine, things are **great**. But to be honest, after all this time, I still can't find closure. I cannot let you go. Maybe it's because I don't want to...

But how could I? Even if I wanted to? 

How could I forget you? You're up there at the sky. Almost every night. 

How could I, when everytime these tears gather up to lakes, I reminisce about all those times we used to drive up to our favourite places? Our secret spots where you showed me your most beautiful smiles? 

Do you remember, that lake surrounded by flowers and trees? Do you remember, how we used to go there to study but always ended up in each others arms? I still remember the sweet sound of your voice. I still remember you looking down on me, brighter than the sun. And the way your glasses would slide down everytime you stole kisses from my lips. I can still feel your fingers between mine. 

Kei, how could I ever _forget_ you? 

There's no place without you, yet no place, no person could ever replace you. 

How many times have I lost myself to the nights filled with smoke and strong, alcoholic drinks to the point of getting unconscious? How many nights have I searched for you in all those strangers faces? They didn't care if I wanted them. They didn't care about me crying out for your name. They didn't care about me yearning for someone other than them. Everything - only an act. Only bodies interacting. 

No one could heal the pain, no one could fill the emptiness. No one could tell me where I did go wrong. No one could tell me how I could've avoided it.

No one could tell me how I could've saved you.

I was filled with nothing but pain and sadness - more and more the abyss in my chest was devouring me. Piece by piece I was losing myself. Day by day I was falling deeper. Hate started to take place. Hate and anger were present when I wasn't. They were giving me the strength I was lacking. If not for them I don't know if I would've been able to keep going on. I remember, waking up with such fiery anger. I turned into a madman who did nothing but destroy everything around its reach. How many days did I get home - which I can't call home anymore - with bloody knuckles and ripped clothes? You know, I've always been fastly tempted to get into a mess. I've once told you about my past, the struggles I went through as a teenager, with trust and anger issues.

I hated everything. I hated everyone. I pushed everyone away.

Me included. 

You included.

Yes, I was angry even at you. How could I get angry at you? How could I? When you've been gone? When there was nothing wrong you ever did? Of course we had our llittle fights but we always made up. I couldn't get angry at you for such inane things. 

But I could get angry at how you made me feel. I could get angry at you for leaving me. I could get angry at you for all the pain you made me feel. You turned me into a mess. 

You might wonder why no one had stopped me. Why did no one help me get through this? Why did no one stop me from causing damage? But no one around me had ever lost the light of their lives. They've never experienced their hearts being ripped off their chests like this. 

They've never felt the horror I felt seeing you drift away. 

At the beginning they've tried, they've helped... until they couldn't.

Bokuto tried his best and utmost to comfort me, to cheer me up, to be there for me. In any way possible. He surprised me with things like movie nights, he took me out for running, he checked up on me more than I'd like him to. But after a while he just let me do. Because I've started to act and isolate myself. Because even though I know how much effort and heart he put into everything, those things didn't help me. Because I was a walking corpse.

It must've hurt him, I remember the way he used to look at me, but back then I didn't know. 

Akaashi tried to help me with picking up a hobby as some type of therapy and I tried it out. This might be weird but I wanted to do what he said because he reminded me a bit of you. You know him. You got along well. Both being the rather silent, introverted type. Both being smart and witty, fastly getting anxious and worried. I guess I thought you might be there, somehow, talking through him. So I tried drawing. 

I stopped after I realised how all my attempts at drawing were about you. 

Kenma was there, too, somehow always around me in the apartment. I didn't feel his existence much but I know he was the one making or bringing me food. He was the one checking if I was still alive because Bokuto wanted to know but I'd already pushed him away. Not much later Kenma joined. It hurts me to admit this but I couldn't bear him or anyone else not being you. I couldn't stand someone taking care of me. I felt pathetic. 

So I did what I could do best at that time. I started to get angry and everything else followed. 

Weeks and months went by...

Where work was my best friend at days, like someone chasing me with a knife,

crowds, bodies and alcohol were my companions at nights.

Anxiety and nightmares took place after I realized you're... gone. 

_Completely gone._

None of them would bring you back. 

It was hard. 

It was so damn hard, Kei. 

How many times did I fall on my knees, head in my hands, sobbing and begging the gods 'why did they not take me with you?' Why did they leave me here, all alone, to grieve? 

Why did you- 

How could you le- 

I'm sorry, Kei. I'm _sorry._

I wanted you to be mine. I just wanted you to call me 'mine'. Forever. 

I just... I miss you so much. 

I still get into this apartment expecting you to greet me. Sometimes I hear you do, joking about how my hair looks so much messier than in the morning. For a moment I see you just around the corner smiling at me. But Star is always the only one, waiting for her food. I wonder if she misses you as much as I do. 

Some nights I still wait for you to come home, not sober enough to understand that from now on I will be forever alone. And I go through every number on my phone, searching for your voice. How many people did block me because I was too much?

On bad nights I find myself laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, shaking and trying to breath. I think: Finally. My time has come. We will meet each other again. But it never happens. Those nights I get hit to the fullest. Everything comes down like an avalanche. 

But I'm used to it. Sometimes Star gives me a nudge and licks my face. I suppose I'd completely lose my sanity without her. 

On those bad nights I spray your perfume - the one you used to put on your neck and wrists - on the sheets. I take out some of your clothes from the deepest parts of my closet. I curl up and try to imagine you being here. It's not always easy. Some nights I take out my phone and play all the media files I have of you. I just lay down and watch them over and over again. 

Do you remember how you loudly sung love songs everytime you were drunk? You were so relaxed you even danced when you were in the mood for it, reaching out for my hand. But it was never for too long because you always got sleepy from our swaying and rested your head on my shoulder. You probably don't know but I have them all recorded. I'm glad I did. I listen to them... with a heavy, sad but comforted heart. 

I imagine feeling your breath on my skin, your arms around my waist, legs entangled. I imagine trailing the lines and curves of every part of your body. I think about the first times we touched. I think about your golden eyes, the delicate skin of your collarbones, hips and thighs. I think about how you used to blush at first. But I realised you only turned your head away to make space for me, to plant flowers on your neck. I loved to hear the sounds falling from your beautiful, rosy mouth. It's the most beautiful, most sinful music I've ever heard. Some nights I can hear you whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I miss you. I miss touching and kissing you. I miss the comfort of being held by you. 

I miss listening to the beat of your heart. I need you.

I often think about how we talked about parallel universes. Somehow that topic fascinated you a lot. You could barely stop philosophising about it once you started. And I loved it. I loved listening to you talk about something with so much interest and passion. It didn't matter if it was about parallel universes, literature, desserts or dinosaurs. Yes, I even loved those dinosaur stories of yours. I loved everything, no matter how annoying they would get. I was never annoyed by you. 

I wonder if you're really somewhere out there. I wonder if you're living on another planet now, in the future. That was one of your theories: we'd be taken to another solar system with another planet. Are you still out there? Or do you not exist... at all? Nowhere? Where are you? How are you? 

_Please,_ Kei, tell me you're alright. Please, tell me you're doing fine. Give me a tiny, little sign. Smile. Laugh. I hope you can do everything you couldn't manage to do yet. I hope you can achieve your dreams. I hope you can visit all the places you've always wanted to. I hope you find happiness. 

Please... Kei... find happiness... and peace up there.

If there's another world with another you, would you still know about me? Would you still want to be with me? Would you search for me as I would search for you? Would you want to talk to me, touch me, hug me, kiss me, look at me, again? Would you still accept me, with all the things I've done while grieving for you? Would you still want to know anything about me? 

I'm sorry I lost you... I'm sorry I couldn't save you... I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you...

I love you. I miss you. 

_Kei..._ I still love you so damn much...

If you're really out there... if we ever meet again...

_would you still call out my name?_

(Cause the way you did when you took your last breath will forever haunt me and I don't know how much longer I can endure it.)


End file.
